12-27-05 Kujichagulia-Self-Determination
Okay, this one's from December 27, 2005-
Very depressed. There's been no need to celebrate Christmas, Channukah or Kwanzaa. Just feeling very down. All the lies, followings, stakeouts, harassments, investigations, plans thwarted (or they try to anyway). Just hard to believe things will get any better. I feel very little hope for 2006. I have been followed/harassed/investigated etc. for four full years now and they aren't finished yet? I have had coffee spilled in my house (we don't drink it) and matches left in the place (we don't smoke anything) and I am isolated to a great degree by these lies. And they call this "intelligence"? You know how you place things in your house "just so" and you know it's been moved and your kid was out with you all day? Anyway, they make it obvious, like, "yeah, we've been in your house". And the strangers who either knock on our door (if I don't know U, I just look out the peephole, I don't answer or nuthin'; why should I?) and have even tried our doorknobs to see if it would open, we've been followed to the store, the trash dumpster, the mailbox, etcetera... even knocks on the door from strangers in the middle of the night, 3 am and so on... it's just hard to feel "happy". I am actually surprised my daughter and I have survived these persecutions intact. I know the only reason we are still on an even keel, able to laugh and keep going, is because of the "still, small voice " of God's Holy Spirit (1Kings 19:12). I am no martyr, I am no saint, but I do know that God and His Word, the Christ have kept us going. I have wanted to give up so many times in the last 4 years especially and my own stubbornness gets me up and I go on! I cannot give up! I will not let the devil win over me! (Resist the devil and he will flee-James 4:7)That's where God's Comforter the Holy Spirit steps in to give me strength to carry on. I don't even know why. There have been some times in my life where no human could (or would) help me. So I either had to sink with the devil or swim with the Lord! I am still here, so U know what I did. Besides, I was raised by a beautiful, STRONG , Black woman! I gladly follow in her footsteps, though I can never fill her shoes. She raised four kids all ALONE!I never meant to be a single mom, but when I heard that little heart beating, well, the decision was made. I was mad, though! It didn't fit into what I dreamed my life would be. That's life, ain't it? Since I come from a strong Black woman, I have no choice but to be a strong Black woman. When I feel like I can't go on, I remember the sacrifices of my dear mother and her inspiring words and I remember my Heru, my Saviour Jesus Christ and what He endured at the hands of another kingdom and I keep going somehow. I think also of people like Oprah. Suppose she had given up? Or suppose her mom had given up? Suppose Mary, Mother of Jesus had given up? It would seem easier, right? Suppose Pope John Paul II of Poland had given up under the Nazi control in WWII? If we give up, give out or give in during our trials, not only do we miss the many blessings that come afterwards, but perhaps the chance to touch a life, save a life, help another to keep going and not give up themselves. Now I can't lie, sometimes I flip them the bird, but the stress of it all, U know? Ay, I am human! No excuse, I know...
Something I remember from either PTL or the 700 Club or whatever, and I think it was 1987. They were either reading a letter or something (I rarely sit down and pay attention to the telly)
and they told the story of someone who was depressed and someone said something mean to the person and it was the "last straw" and the man went and committed suicide. And the reader said, I" wouldn't want to be someone's "last straw". Don't miss the message looking at the messenger, Jim Bakker or Pat Robertson or whomever the tele-preacher was. I didn't miss the message, which was what I needed to hear at that particular moment, at that particular time. Some may moan and groan at the names above, but who is perfect? All the time? C'mon. Sometimes, what we see determines how we think, feel and act. Sometimes, the things we can't see can determine life or death. There's a lot of pain and suffering out there, so let's be determined not to be somebody's last straw.
Peace be unto you...
Very depressed. There's been no need to celebrate Christmas, Channukah or Kwanzaa. Just feeling very down. All the lies, followings, stakeouts, harassments, investigations, plans thwarted (or they try to anyway). Just hard to believe things will get any better. I feel very little hope for 2006. I have been followed/harassed/investigated etc. for four full years now and they aren't finished yet? I have had coffee spilled in my house (we don't drink it) and matches left in the place (we don't smoke anything) and I am isolated to a great degree by these lies. And they call this "intelligence"? You know how you place things in your house "just so" and you know it's been moved and your kid was out with you all day? Anyway, they make it obvious, like, "yeah, we've been in your house". And the strangers who either knock on our door (if I don't know U, I just look out the peephole, I don't answer or nuthin'; why should I?) and have even tried our doorknobs to see if it would open, we've been followed to the store, the trash dumpster, the mailbox, etcetera... even knocks on the door from strangers in the middle of the night, 3 am and so on... it's just hard to feel "happy". I am actually surprised my daughter and I have survived these persecutions intact. I know the only reason we are still on an even keel, able to laugh and keep going, is because of the "still, small voice " of God's Holy Spirit (1Kings 19:12). I am no martyr, I am no saint, but I do know that God and His Word, the Christ have kept us going. I have wanted to give up so many times in the last 4 years especially and my own stubbornness gets me up and I go on! I cannot give up! I will not let the devil win over me! (Resist the devil and he will flee-James 4:7)That's where God's Comforter the Holy Spirit steps in to give me strength to carry on. I don't even know why. There have been some times in my life where no human could (or would) help me. So I either had to sink with the devil or swim with the Lord! I am still here, so U know what I did. Besides, I was raised by a beautiful, STRONG , Black woman! I gladly follow in her footsteps, though I can never fill her shoes. She raised four kids all ALONE!I never meant to be a single mom, but when I heard that little heart beating, well, the decision was made. I was mad, though! It didn't fit into what I dreamed my life would be. That's life, ain't it? Since I come from a strong Black woman, I have no choice but to be a strong Black woman. When I feel like I can't go on, I remember the sacrifices of my dear mother and her inspiring words and I remember my Heru, my Saviour Jesus Christ and what He endured at the hands of another kingdom and I keep going somehow. I think also of people like Oprah. Suppose she had given up? Or suppose her mom had given up? Suppose Mary, Mother of Jesus had given up? It would seem easier, right? Suppose Pope John Paul II of Poland had given up under the Nazi control in WWII? If we give up, give out or give in during our trials, not only do we miss the many blessings that come afterwards, but perhaps the chance to touch a life, save a life, help another to keep going and not give up themselves. Now I can't lie, sometimes I flip them the bird, but the stress of it all, U know? Ay, I am human! No excuse, I know...
Something I remember from either PTL or the 700 Club or whatever, and I think it was 1987. They were either reading a letter or something (I rarely sit down and pay attention to the telly)
and they told the story of someone who was depressed and someone said something mean to the person and it was the "last straw" and the man went and committed suicide. And the reader said, I" wouldn't want to be someone's "last straw". Don't miss the message looking at the messenger, Jim Bakker or Pat Robertson or whomever the tele-preacher was. I didn't miss the message, which was what I needed to hear at that particular moment, at that particular time. Some may moan and groan at the names above, but who is perfect? All the time? C'mon. Sometimes, what we see determines how we think, feel and act. Sometimes, the things we can't see can determine life or death. There's a lot of pain and suffering out there, so let's be determined not to be somebody's last straw.
Peace be unto you...
posted by Constance at 2:09 PM
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